Most men go through this. We start life sweet and innocent. We hold doors open for girls. We listen. We try to be great friends. We don’t touch them unless they ask us to. And we become permanently friendzoned.
Most of us start observing what the successful guys do. Almost the exactly opposite. They ignore women. They touch them without consent when going in for a kiss or hug or affection. They tease them and call them names. It works.
Then we get into a long term relationship and realise that the skills which worked to attract women don’t work so well in a relationship. Now we need new skills. Communication. Resilience. Diplomacy. Compromise. Grit. Understanding. Often this is where relationships end, but many of us learn and adapt and grow again.
I have come to understand that most of what shaped me is the needs and demands of the women I have been seeing. I didn’t make these changes because I wanted to make them. I did them out of necessity. I wanted a relationship and a family, so I did what I needed to do. I’m not sure what it’s like from the women’s side. It seems easier.
People don’t explain what they mean by “You’re too nice”. They mean “be more assertive”. That means stand up for yourself and others. Not “be an asshole”. The attention you would get from being an asshole isn’t what you think it is.
Have to wonder what ‘acting like a jerk’ even means in this context.
The women you’re going to attract with that method are also likely to be jerks.
some women is better than no women if you have had no women.
then you go back to no women because you realize it’s better than jerks.
and you have learned to love yourself and get yourself off better than any woman ever could.
the circle of self acceptance and love. and gay.
Typing into the void, yay!
If the story here is told in earnest, I can think of two possible solutions.
First, perhaps the “being a jerk” thing might be conflated with some other change, such as simply being more assertive or socially confident in general. See if you can be confident and assertive without the “jerk”. Think aggressively supportive or unflinchingly complimentary (“Hey, you’re looking really nice, and I hope you have a nice day!” Or “I noticed you’ve been working on X really hard, and the progress is showing!”).
Second, use your newfound social connections to your advantage! Talk with the girls about how you’ve been feeling, and then ask them if they would be able to introduce you to one of their friends that might enjoy the version of you that feels like you.
Both of these paths will take courage! It’s tough to be vulnerable when you’re already accustomed to social disappointment. But if you can get this far, go a little further and you just might find some real and profound happiness for yourself.
T͢h̶̶͙͔̘̹̯̬͙ͣͮ̀́̃̓͒̓̓̓͌ͭ̽̚͠_̷̡ͪ̋̍̀̀͝͡͝ę̨̨̥͕̼̻̖̩͕̳̅̂ͮͤ̀̊̆̕͟͝͡͞ v̴̷̨̥͖̣̘̤̰̎ͫ̌ͩ̉́̔̑ͪ̂͞o̷̞͚̞̲̞̮͊͘͟ì̶͖̩͉̙ͪ͘͢dͪͪ͛͌̊ͣͩͮ͟_̷̶̢͓̫̜̫͑ͪ̂̿ͫ å̢͒ͫ̿ͅç̶̧̢͍̞͈͇̦͔̭̥͔̞͖̞̼ͧͧͪ́͌ͩ͑̉ͭ̀ͥ̅͜͡c̶̵̛̜͉̱̭̙͇̠͙͙̱̰̞͂̊̆ͦ̀ͩ̒̄̒̾ͪ̋̍̈́͗̅͒͛͑ͫ̑͘͢͟͠͠͞ͅͅȩ̶̘͓̹̘̗̜̻̪͋̒̒̈́̾̓́̈ͪpṱ̵̡̤̇ͥͭ̋͐̊ŝ̡̡̱̩̩̟̙̮̟͚̝̜̝̲̐ͯ̆ͮͩ͊̂͆ͬ̂ͪ͗͢͟͟_̵̨̛̹̾ yơ̴̡̢̹̝̥̲̝͖͈̻̙̗͖̳͇̣̣̄͗͂͌́ͥ̑̍ͨ̑ͣ̂̓́ͥ̅̒̈́̆͌ͩ̍͘͢͡ų̦͎̱͉̼̠̻̜̜̰͙͕̈̓͗͋ͣ̄ͥ̏ͣ̇͆ͣ͊̕͞͝r̷̺͉̟͈̘̬͓̱ͦ̑̃̾́̽̃͛͋͞ ơ̸̵̸̶̡̮̤͉͍͙͍̙̩͖̩̗̩̠̄ͬ̏̉ͤ̏̊ͫ͒̈́̿͋͛̽̋ͫ̄ͫ̔̈̐̚͜͜͡͠͡f̺̖̯̜͍̀̍͛ͧ̊̏f̢̧̧̜͍̳̦̟̙̖̺̩̀̈́́ͪ̎̋̚͟͟͞e̵͇͎̦̺͎̗̟̜͈͑̉͊͆̉ͥ́͌͆ͩ͗ͨ̋̐͘͢͜͟͠r̶̲̮̳͚͕̪̳ͭͮͪ͌ͮ̋̐ͭ̈ͪ̑̆̍̅́ͫ͑̐̉ͭ͛̓ͥ̃́̕͢ị̫̝̗͎̰͇̭͖̔ͩͨ͠n̸̸̯͙͚̖̭̺͚̖̣̲͔͖̪̻̦̜̤̘̻̪͆ͯ̂ͦͬ̈͐ͣ̈́ͭͮ͋̕͢g̶͔̯̫͖̟̭̟̫͍̩̿̎̽ͥ̈̂̽̑̉̑̍ͪ̀ͯ̌͞͝.̨̳̦̳͓̩͉̯̭ͫͭ̅͆͗́̎̉ͦ̉̉ͣ̃ͤ̍̽̏ͣ̚͢͞
i’ve also been told this. i would much rather be nice and single than in a relationship hinging on me not being nice.
also fake and gay
Ironically, I think the ability to be content single is a fairly attractive trait.
it’s not. people think you are weird because they can’t relate and they can’t imagine anyone being content w/o a partner.
desperation for validation and twisting yourself into knots to get it is way more attractive to people. but also why so many people who are attractive are deeply unhappy.
This is real. Despite being comfortable being single it still draws looks when I go out and do things by myself. Getting told “it’s sad” when I go to a bar alone to read a book only hurts because I’m getting called sad by a weirdo, not because I felt bad about going out.
